How to interpret online book reviews

My previous post sought to elucidate some of those oft quoted expressions which plague music reviews. Despite the unequivocally superior standard of articulation amongst the literary fraternity, there are, upon occasion, some idioms that have become rather cliché. Thus it has fallen upon me, dear reader, to compile and define some terms and phrases that require proper denotation, in order to provide clarification of book review terminology definitions.

Page-turner: Meets the bare minimum standards for a book.

Gripping: I got this from a library where kids are allowed to play.

Poignant: Something sad happened in this book, most likely a character gets cancer.

Compelling: I spent so much time reading this book I had to finish it despite wanting to hurt myself after every sentence.

Nuanced: I have no idea what this book was about but I liked it.

Lyrical: Should be a poem instead so that it isn't as long and self-involved.

Tour de force: The book is too long and waffly.

Readable: Boring but better than watching TV.

Haunting: Either used to describe a book that made the reviewer actually think, or, more likely, is meant to make you think but is just pretentious.

Deceptively simple: Could have been written by a 10 year old.

Rollicking: Something actually happens in this book.

Fully realized: The book has a beginning, middle and end.

Timely: Makes passing reference to something that happened 2 years ago.

X meets Y meets Z: The reviewer hasn't read the book so is quoting the sales blurb.

Sweeping: Long.

That said: I've just insulted this entire book but it is popular for some unknown reason (e.g. Twilight).

Riveting: Was able to finish reading it.

Unflinching: Unpleasant.

Powerful: I read the hardcover.

Unputdownable: Reviewer is unfamiliar with English.

Masterfully or Masterful: The author is familiar with English.

Beautifully written: A lot of long words were used.

Startling: Reviewer was surprised the book was published.

Bold: Controversial.

Accessible: Written for kids.

Memorable: Reviewer didn't have to look up the author or title to write the review.

Epic: Really, really, long.

A tale of loss and redemption: Someone dies, the protagonist gets over it, the end.

Sensuously, seductively, and/or lushly described: Painstakingly boring descriptions of mundane details.

Must read: Bestseller.

What it is to be human: Someone falls in love or someone dies.

Luminous: Has a pretty cover.

Evocative: Not boring or pedantic.

Poetic: Wordy.

Thought provoking: Reviewer is sure the book is cultural or intellectual but didn't quite get it.

Rollicking roller-coaster: Kids book, or should be.

Provocative: Annoying.

Lends itself to X: Reading the book X was better.

Opinionated: The reviewer disagrees with everything the author has ever written.

Emotional roller-coaster: Nominated for some literary award.

Only minor quibbles: The book sucked.

Stays in your mind long after the last page is turned: Had a bad ending.

Writing at the peak of his/her powers: Much better than the author's other books.

At once: The reviewer is about to use more than one of these terms in a sentence.

Also, lets not forget the various terms that are used to tell you what the genre of the book is, rather than just say what the genre is:

Explicit, steamy, romp, raunchy: Erotica or has sex in it.

Charged, taut, woven, layered: Political thriller.

Heart-warming, life-affirming: Romantic drama.

Seamy, gritty, underworld: Crime.

Taut, fast-paced, dynamic: Thriller.

Epic: Fantasy.

Hope this clears things up a bit.